listen.

How am i suppose to listen to God? Is it like.. okay God.. speak to me with words. I doubt I am going to hear some narrator voice like we do in movies. I wish though, it would make life so much easier for myself. I have situations, with guys, that I just don't know what to do at the moment. I really want God to show me, and I have this urge to ask my mom about it. Maybe that's god saying that I should talk to her about it, but I don't know.. it could just be my mind telling me so. In what ways does God speak to you?

Through dreams, friends, family members, or through music? It's like i'm sitting here waiting on a sign of some kind.. oh when will it come.

this heart it beats, beats for only you.

why do I do what I do?
in the end I'm just going to get in trouble.
God, was this what you wanted?
Let me know, because at this point I'm totally confused.. I have no clue where you're leading me.
Shine some light upon this situation. It was so.. sudden and unexpected.

"I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you" -lifehouse, broken.

"guess, if anything, it's about taking chances, even when you think you've run out of them. It's about forgiveness and unconditional love, even when it seems like you should only do the opposite. It's about trusting that God puts people in your life at certain moments so that you can capitalize the oppurtunity. It's all about the possibility. It's all about what you do with those possibilities. Life is short, but it moves fast. Hang on and enjoy the ride. And when someone comes along with whom you enjoy spending the ride with, hold on tight."

PLEASE just guide me, i don't know what i'm getting myself into.

lovealways,

Well I'm broken, but I still see your face.

Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me  

Help me to win my endless fears 
You've been so faithful for all my years 
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

---

I've got fears, tons of fears. I don't know where I'm going in life. Whose going to be there with me. Or what i'm going to do while i'm going through life. It's like I need God's grade to just come and cover me completely. I want to be able to proceed through life without worrying about tomorrow, worrying if my relationship is going to last, or worrying if somethings going to go wrong. I guess I need to look on the brighter side of life more often.

I really wish I could go back to camp, sit there, and reflect on everything in my life. I wish there was like an on and off button on reality. Like when I want reality, 'click' I can just turn it on, and when I don't want it, and just want to be in my own world kinda thing, 'click' i can turn it off. If only there were such a thing. I miss summer, it was the best part of my life so far. Ever. I just want to go back to when things were nice and perfect, not now where life is all hectic and just troublesome. I want to go back to when I was perfectly in tune with God. Where everyone went and just was all for the same thing, and worshiped the same God. I miss the subtleness of everything, and being able to hang out without having to do work. I want everything that is not school at the moment. Everything that is just not having to deal with people I don't want to. I want lots of stuff, but that doesn't mean I'm going to get if. Let me get off the train of reality.

But I have a feeling that's not going to happen anytime soon.
until then,

Fight for your life.

The simple truth us thus: just trust God, for He will provide.
He will bring a happy ending to the drama we all live.
Believe, and it shall be. Trust, and it will be yours.
He might tell us to wait, but He rarely tells us no.
If you have patience and are strong of heart, nothing can stand in your way.
There is so much more to life than listing all of the horrible things that
get thrown our way

Anxiety in the heart of a man causes depression,
but a good word makes it glad.
- Proverbs 12:25 -

So I have come to realize this week that no matter how much I worry about something, it's not going to fix it. It just causes me more stress, anxiety and trouble.

And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else.
Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and Obey and Love
and Believe right there.
1 Corinthians 7:17

With that I figure that since I'm having such a craptastic week right now. It's where God wants me to be. I mean, he doesn't put me into situations where he knows I won't be able to succeed through them. But he also knows that I got to rely on him more, than I rely on myself. Things at this moment are just not going very smoothly at all. Everyone with friends, family, work, school. It's all kinda floating there and i'm standing around wishing it would all fall calmly into place. But things don't always work the way I want them to. What am I suppose to do when people I love are falling away from me. I try to help the relationships, friendships, whatever it may be, but I can't do it by myself. I am not going to be the only one throwing myself out there to try and save things. It's not a one way battle. It's gotta be two people fighting at the same time trying to help each other out, and at this point. It's only me, on my own, fighting by myself.

Maybe there's gunna be someway that all of the people i'm fighting for, will start fighting for me back.

until then,

search within

"You will have many trials throughout your life.
But, be thankful for them, and learn from them.
What other purpose do they have?
They're for us to become stronger through them."

This week has gotten so much better. I had an amazing day Sunday. First i missed church in the morning because my parents did go, but then later I went for band practice which was good. I know I'm not the best singer, and I don't know how to do everything, but with Gods help I'll get there. There's Gill who's singing as well who I can count on. Then that night I had an amazing night at work. Monday, I finally talked to Zak after a week and some. That's so difficult for me, I can't stand not talking to him for too long, even if it's just for five minutes or so. We caught up on each other's past weeks, and it just felt good. Then today I talked to him after school for a bit again, and had a decent day. For some reason I get the weeks where it's all crappy, and I'm just counting on God to bring a good day. Then the next week is all good, and I'm pretty happy. I guess sometimes I can down myself when I'm having bad days. I guess the good thing to do is smile through it all knowing God's there for me even when some people aren't.

And whats it like to lose a friend? I've lost many friends in the past couple years. Especially through highschool. People change, and I don't like who their changing into. It's not someone I'd want to be associated with. I was best friends with someone who constantly swore, listened to crude things, and did things I wouldn't be proud of doing. This so called "best friend" of mine would constantly put me down, make fun of me, and just be down right rude to me. Whenever I went seeking for advice, she'd give me her advice, to the point where it'd just make me feel even worse. Sure in the past we were so tight, but now we've grown so far apart. She still comes over to my house everyday for lunch, and I still talk to her in second and third period. But that relationship we once held is now diminished, and the thing about it is - I'm okay with that.

I know what it's like to lose friends, and gain some really good ones. Thats what happened at Plunge this year. I gained some really valuable friendships which I hope I can hold onto for as long as possible, with god's help. And at this moment, I don't really have any good friends at school whatsoever. The only good friends I have go to different schools, which makes things hard, but i'll learn to deal.

until then,