forgiven.

"I pray away the pain you feel from all the things that went wrong"

So I have this friend right now that's going through alot of stuff. I wish I could just take every single little pain they feel away. Everything that's going wrong in their life right now, I wish I could just make it all better. If only there was something I could do, but there's nothing. It's making me feel so small, and horrible to see one of my good friends go through this. The only thing I can do is pray, and pray hard. Pray that everything will work itself out and be alright. Pray that my friend will realize that God does things for a reason and perhaps this is to test them on something.

But i'm still stuck feeling helpless like there is something I could do. Something more than just offering comforting words that probably don't help at all. I feel helpless, and useless. But I shouldn't be worrying about what I feel like, instead what my friend feels like.

"Father, I’m going through some heavy things
It seems like this world ain’t getting any better"

Thats pretty much what it's like for my friend, things just keep piling up, and I feel bad for having a decent week kinda. While they're gone.. worrying their head off about what they're going to do. If only there was more... if only.

when you least expect it.

So I get hit yesterday with one of the things that could just ruin your day. Why God let it happen, I don't know. Especially since I had just gotten baptised. It's like Bam, lets ruin nikki's day, and the rest of her grade ten. When she'll probably never see him again after that or anything. Everything was fine up until that point, and somehow something happened that caused him to tell me that it just wouldn't work. After everything, I had been led on, and yet one of his favorite songs is "baby, you've got to be more discerning" I wish.. I wish I was so I wouldn't let my heart fall time and time again.

lovealways

listen.

How am i suppose to listen to God? Is it like.. okay God.. speak to me with words. I doubt I am going to hear some narrator voice like we do in movies. I wish though, it would make life so much easier for myself. I have situations, with guys, that I just don't know what to do at the moment. I really want God to show me, and I have this urge to ask my mom about it. Maybe that's god saying that I should talk to her about it, but I don't know.. it could just be my mind telling me so. In what ways does God speak to you?

Through dreams, friends, family members, or through music? It's like i'm sitting here waiting on a sign of some kind.. oh when will it come.

this heart it beats, beats for only you.

why do I do what I do?
in the end I'm just going to get in trouble.
God, was this what you wanted?
Let me know, because at this point I'm totally confused.. I have no clue where you're leading me.
Shine some light upon this situation. It was so.. sudden and unexpected.

"I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you" -lifehouse, broken.

"guess, if anything, it's about taking chances, even when you think you've run out of them. It's about forgiveness and unconditional love, even when it seems like you should only do the opposite. It's about trusting that God puts people in your life at certain moments so that you can capitalize the oppurtunity. It's all about the possibility. It's all about what you do with those possibilities. Life is short, but it moves fast. Hang on and enjoy the ride. And when someone comes along with whom you enjoy spending the ride with, hold on tight."

PLEASE just guide me, i don't know what i'm getting myself into.

lovealways,

Well I'm broken, but I still see your face.

Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me  

Help me to win my endless fears 
You've been so faithful for all my years 
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

---

I've got fears, tons of fears. I don't know where I'm going in life. Whose going to be there with me. Or what i'm going to do while i'm going through life. It's like I need God's grade to just come and cover me completely. I want to be able to proceed through life without worrying about tomorrow, worrying if my relationship is going to last, or worrying if somethings going to go wrong. I guess I need to look on the brighter side of life more often.

I really wish I could go back to camp, sit there, and reflect on everything in my life. I wish there was like an on and off button on reality. Like when I want reality, 'click' I can just turn it on, and when I don't want it, and just want to be in my own world kinda thing, 'click' i can turn it off. If only there were such a thing. I miss summer, it was the best part of my life so far. Ever. I just want to go back to when things were nice and perfect, not now where life is all hectic and just troublesome. I want to go back to when I was perfectly in tune with God. Where everyone went and just was all for the same thing, and worshiped the same God. I miss the subtleness of everything, and being able to hang out without having to do work. I want everything that is not school at the moment. Everything that is just not having to deal with people I don't want to. I want lots of stuff, but that doesn't mean I'm going to get if. Let me get off the train of reality.

But I have a feeling that's not going to happen anytime soon.
until then,

Fight for your life.

The simple truth us thus: just trust God, for He will provide.
He will bring a happy ending to the drama we all live.
Believe, and it shall be. Trust, and it will be yours.
He might tell us to wait, but He rarely tells us no.
If you have patience and are strong of heart, nothing can stand in your way.
There is so much more to life than listing all of the horrible things that
get thrown our way

Anxiety in the heart of a man causes depression,
but a good word makes it glad.
- Proverbs 12:25 -

So I have come to realize this week that no matter how much I worry about something, it's not going to fix it. It just causes me more stress, anxiety and trouble.

And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else.
Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and Obey and Love
and Believe right there.
1 Corinthians 7:17

With that I figure that since I'm having such a craptastic week right now. It's where God wants me to be. I mean, he doesn't put me into situations where he knows I won't be able to succeed through them. But he also knows that I got to rely on him more, than I rely on myself. Things at this moment are just not going very smoothly at all. Everyone with friends, family, work, school. It's all kinda floating there and i'm standing around wishing it would all fall calmly into place. But things don't always work the way I want them to. What am I suppose to do when people I love are falling away from me. I try to help the relationships, friendships, whatever it may be, but I can't do it by myself. I am not going to be the only one throwing myself out there to try and save things. It's not a one way battle. It's gotta be two people fighting at the same time trying to help each other out, and at this point. It's only me, on my own, fighting by myself.

Maybe there's gunna be someway that all of the people i'm fighting for, will start fighting for me back.

until then,

search within

"You will have many trials throughout your life.
But, be thankful for them, and learn from them.
What other purpose do they have?
They're for us to become stronger through them."

This week has gotten so much better. I had an amazing day Sunday. First i missed church in the morning because my parents did go, but then later I went for band practice which was good. I know I'm not the best singer, and I don't know how to do everything, but with Gods help I'll get there. There's Gill who's singing as well who I can count on. Then that night I had an amazing night at work. Monday, I finally talked to Zak after a week and some. That's so difficult for me, I can't stand not talking to him for too long, even if it's just for five minutes or so. We caught up on each other's past weeks, and it just felt good. Then today I talked to him after school for a bit again, and had a decent day. For some reason I get the weeks where it's all crappy, and I'm just counting on God to bring a good day. Then the next week is all good, and I'm pretty happy. I guess sometimes I can down myself when I'm having bad days. I guess the good thing to do is smile through it all knowing God's there for me even when some people aren't.

And whats it like to lose a friend? I've lost many friends in the past couple years. Especially through highschool. People change, and I don't like who their changing into. It's not someone I'd want to be associated with. I was best friends with someone who constantly swore, listened to crude things, and did things I wouldn't be proud of doing. This so called "best friend" of mine would constantly put me down, make fun of me, and just be down right rude to me. Whenever I went seeking for advice, she'd give me her advice, to the point where it'd just make me feel even worse. Sure in the past we were so tight, but now we've grown so far apart. She still comes over to my house everyday for lunch, and I still talk to her in second and third period. But that relationship we once held is now diminished, and the thing about it is - I'm okay with that.

I know what it's like to lose friends, and gain some really good ones. Thats what happened at Plunge this year. I gained some really valuable friendships which I hope I can hold onto for as long as possible, with god's help. And at this moment, I don't really have any good friends at school whatsoever. The only good friends I have go to different schools, which makes things hard, but i'll learn to deal.

until then,

frustration.

I am frustrated.
So much to explain about that though. It all starts from the littlest thing and builds up to be something bigger. I know I want to trust God with everything. But thats hard. No ones able to do it 100% of the time. No matter how hard you try you eventually just want to do it your way, not God's way. I find it so hard to just let everything go sometimes and let God handle it, you know. Like some things I just want to resolve right away, or like find the solution for right away. I can't just sit back and let god take control of the steering wheel of my life sometimes. I find it super crazy to know that I'm not in control. Sometimes I can't stand others controlling me. Then there's times where I wish others would just control everything so I could just sit back and relax. It's also kind of scary to know that theres someone out there whose got this plan for you. I mean, maybe I want to make my own plan, but no - Come to think of it I'd rather follow God's plan and do what he's set out for me.

At the moment I'm frustrated with having a boyfriend who lives farther away whom I cannot see or talk to for whiles on end. Last time I even got to see him was a week and a couple days ago. It's hard on me. I'm the kind of person who needs someone around most of the time. I need affection and loving. I'm kind of needy in that way. I know God's always there to love me and give me affection, but to have someone on earth in human form is needed sometimes too. Just sometimes I wish there was actually an easy button in life. One I could press when things get too frustrating and I can't deal with it. Just things in my life are building up right now that are creating frustration and sadness. I pray to God for him to help me out in this, to make my relationships better with people. But I also have to understand that God doesn't always fix things overnight. Some things he likes to take time on, and others he likes to do in a snap. It's the waiting for him to do things that kill me. God doesn't always answer prayers with a yes or no. Sometimes it's a "not right now," or a "you don't need that." Which, at times, can be tough to handle.

Being at camp this summer made me realize what kind of relationships I was missing in my life. I had a lot of negative people who were bringing me down. Through camp I made some amazing friendships, strengthened a few and came to know God so much closer. There was one night, where I had snuck out, and a bunch of us had met in the dining hall. We're all sitting around talking and I just didn't want to sit at all. I felt sick to my stomach. One of the good buddies I made, Spencer, kept making me drink water. It felt so nice to have a friend who actually cared about how I felt, and wanted me to feel better. He felt like a brother watching over me, and that's what I actually consider him. Seeing as all the friends I have at school make me feel like crap, and just disrespect me alot. This is something I've gotten sick of over the past two-three years. I've realized I need better friends than that, I need some actual Christian friends. Then God also brought five other good friends into my life. Some people who I could actually talk to, and share stuff with. This felt amazing and I was so glad.

One night after David's, the speaker at camp, teaching, everyone was allowed the choice of staying behind to pray to god, and just sit there to reflect. I did that, and I definitely prayed out to god. I asked him for guidance and advice and just to forgive me of everything that I ever did wrong. It felt so good to just completely cry out to god. I know I had tears streaming down my face, I know that my face was all swollen and puffy from crying, I know that people could see I was letting it all out. But I didn't care, I didn't care that someone might think I looked ugly because my eyes were swollen. My friends there saw I had been crying, and actually cared if i was alright. They gave me hugs, and it felt so good. That night I realized that my life was going to be hard, but I was going to have some amazing people helping me through it, and I definitely had God on my side.

and that's one thing thats always going to help me in life. Having god on my side.